Our Thoughts
by Tsuki KamiNeko
Summary: He has it, so does he, especially the secrets she's keeping in her heart... There's one thing that we all share in common, we just pray there's a solution to it...


A/N: Something I just whipped up just this second because I felt like it... :D Please review! Thanks! :) Hopefully, you'll know who's who...

Thoughts- - - - - - -x

I do what I do because I have to, because I don't know what else to do. If I don't do it then I feel like the world around me is going to crumble. I made a promise to him and myself that I would keep walking as long as I have my feet taking me there, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like I'm losing myself little by little- the things I've always known, the memories that I've made... I'm genuinely scared out of my mind. I don't want to tell any one because I don't want to worry them , they have their fair share of problems too.

They say that I wont' be myself in the long run, that I'm going to disappear and fade into the background like ashes floating into the sky after a cremation ceremony. The thing is, I think they're actually right. I think I can feel myself losing, slipping from reality. There are moments where I can't remember very well what I was doing, like my mind is somewhere else, with _**somebody **_else. I wish somebody would tell me that it's going to be okay, that it's all right to be scared, but all I see is darkness in front of me. Confusion and fear plagues my mind every night like a disease grabbing at me so that I can't sleep.

It hurts, everything hurts. My left eye, by body, my heart, my soul. It's like being taken apart piece by piece and there's nothing I can do to stop it. When I fight, it hurts, when I don't, it still hurts. My body is throbbing so endlessly that I thrash and writhe with pain every second that I'm alive. I want to just crumple and fall from this high and mighty pedestal that they've put me on. I want to cry freely and be able to act like the 16 year old boy that I am. Is that too much to ask for?

To me everything is important, how can they not be? Souls are still souls that needs to be saved when one is trapped in a body of a cursed being. No one deserves to suffer so, it's just too horrifying. No one sympathizes with the way I fight is what _he _told me, that my loving nature towards the akumas isn't appreciated because it's taboo and it stands for everything we've ever fought against. No one cares... Because no one has seen the truth of what I have to see when I fight those beings... Those demons... Those **people**. I want to throw up yet embrace them when I see them because my heart aches for them, the guilt and purity that I see, it's the reason I think I go on fighting, why I have to keep going forward.

I have to be strong for the sake of the people that needs me, I want to save them all- I wish I could save the world. From the beginning I knew that I was fighting for the light and those innocent people that need us... But as I continue fighting, I feel like I can't remember why I fight anymore. There's a unveiling shadow that lingers in my heart that I don't want anyone to see, the fact that I think about the other side. The temptation of the dark, and I fear that one day I'm going to fall into that pit and will never be able to get out again.

_Mana... I'm scared, what should I do?_

----

Feelings. Emotions. Choices. I wish I had them all, but I don't and my mind wanders to that distant topic every now and then. Those things that I want the most, but I can't have because I decided to throw them all away when I decided to follow in my grandfather's steps. I just didn't know how difficult it would be in the future without them. To have my destiny fixed and my fate worked out in the favor of just being ink and paper... Life gets dreary. Things begin to seem all the same after watching people make the same mistake over and over again and you learn what not to do, you change, I changed.

I hated people because they were stupid and arrogant in changing their methods, war in my time is endless and chaos reigned the world. That's how I viewed life and its people- they were all idiots. I don't know when I started to think otherwise. Maybe it was the people or it was the job, I don't know which, but somewhere along the line- I lost myself.

Neutrality. Apathy. Coldness. These were the things that was suppose to reign my heart, but it's just never there when I want them to be. I cry, I get angry, I laugh, I have fun, I have my share of bad times, I even get jealous. I can't help the overflow of happiness and sadness in my daily life because it feels so _right. _It feels natural, but the fear that keeps crawling at me at the back of my mind is making my sanity scream. I've already decided and made a pact with him that I'd follow him where ever he goes as long as I was with him, I'll be all right. I thought I've already shed everything behind so that I won't regret- then why is it that there's a strange feeling inside my chest?

They touched my heart and I'm afraid of the consequences because now, with a force unknown to me, one that I can in no way resist... The wheels have all started, slowly turning and gradually, I'm drifting away. I'm moving forward to a place that I do not know, while my past stays behind, still as ice. Yet, myself am stuck in an iceberg, confused over on my own life; which to choose and which to throw away. I want them both, but it's impossible to get everything in life.

I feel like I'm falling, deeper and deeper into the depths of my own fears and disorientation that I don't know which way is up and which way is down. I'm just lingering, floating in the midst of crushing waves and there's nothing, nothing but different shades of black before my eyes. Whether I close them or not, it seems like it doesn't matter. There's something grasping around my heart that I don't want to acknowledge, the tightening squeeze to let me know that time passing by... Grain by grain and that one I'll have to choose.

I can't pick between one or the other, the path before me is clouded and unclear, I don't know what to do. To be with them or to be with him and the single promise that I made to him. I don't want to disappoint, but I don't want to lose the feeling of being able to smile...

_Gramps... Someone, anyone... help me._

_----_

For so long I've deluded myself in thinking that everything is okay, everything is dandy and lively when in reality it's not. I didn't want to see sadness fall so heavily around the people that I loved cherished because it was so devastating to watch. I feel like my own heart is about to implode with grief when I see them cry with dejection and shock. I think I'm suppose to be used it, the part where Death came in, but every time, my eyes can't help themselves but want to weep out those lonely tears. My stomach knots together in anger and frustration because I can't do anything to stop it from happening, my world was falling apart so heavily. I hated everything that I stood for.

I can't go to my brother because he is the last person that I want to see tortured and pained for my own selfish reasons. I've seen enough of what he does for me, I don't want to ever see him cry or plead against me because I was stubborn. I hate myself for always causing him such agony, worst of all he's got nothing to lose because of me. For me, he threw away everything he's ever known in his life: Freedom, love, happiness, joy, calm nights, family... Why am I like this?

I know now, he wants it to disappear. The image that always stays in his mind, the nightmare that always haunts his dreams. Me being tortured to a point that I couldn't walk pained him as a brother was too much that he was willing to throw away everything. My brother, he... Actually wants to erase all my thoughts that Rouvelier and the others left on me... All of it, should disappear. In so he encased himself in this prison so he could stay by my side, what a selfish wish I've come to ask for.

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry anymore, but somehow even if it's not from the pain that recedes in and out of my trembling body... The tears keeps flowing out. I guess it's because with each passing day, my world shatters just a bit more whether my brother is there to protect me or not.

If I as to ask you when you closed your eyes and thought of the word: "world", what do you see? When I think of the "world", I don't see a map. Having been on the battlefield almost my entire life... All I see are the faces of everyone that's part of the organization. I must be a horrible person.. I cherish my friends more than the real world. Because they make up the "world" to me. When a friend of mine dies... To me, it's the same as if a part of the "world" has been destroyed.

-Even if the world was saved... If none of my friends were in it, I would be destroyed.

I feel horrible every time I look at everyone, I'm weak and I know it. Sometimes, I know I'm a burden to everyone else, but I still have to try, I worry like a mother to all of them, but I just can't help it, they hardly ever cry when they do have two eyes and a body that functions just fine... I just wonder why they won't, is it because they're too afraid to look weak in the eyes of God or is something else, I want to know. I just want us to be together in the end, no matter what happens... I just want to be able to see the future.

_Please... To the God that I hate so much... Let me stay with them._

_----_

What they are to me is nothing, they are worth nothing and they mean nothing to me. I had asked more than I had bargained for, I shouldn't have been surprised knowing Tiedoll from a young age that he would bring me to a place like this. The Order that's filled with lunatics and idiots. People are always crying and complaining about the most trivial things and it's so irritating and it grates on my nerves to no end.

We're in a state of war right now, there's no time for fairy tale endings and there's no knights in shining armor to save damsels in distress. This much I've learned, the world is a cold and cruel place, Fate won't hesitate to drop you like an abandoned and broken doll and just let you rot till you're nothing but decomposition. As much as I want to stay cold and solid against the winds of Life and change, even I get scared. The ice that sits in my chest has somewhat started to melt and it annoys me that I can't seem to reverse the effects.

There are some things that I can't change in my life and that is, the people here will forever annoy me half to death and they'll probably die worrying after me. I'm not used to these kinds of things, people being kind and gentle, warm and caring... It's difficult for me to understand them, to be able to return the gesture is hard for me to do. But being warm and caring in this time and age won't prove to be anything but useless, people will still be hurt and people will still die, then what?

I still don't understand and I don't know if I want to, the truth that they all harbor within themselves and the courage that I see flaring in their eyes saddens me... To know that they're still so soft and warm with their touches... It doesn't make sense at all.

All I know is... This world doesn't make sense with people like them living with smiles still on their faces when everything around them is crumbling so...

----

_In the end... We all share the same thing, the insecurities that we've all hidden deep inside ourselves... But, together, we'll help each other find a solution._


End file.
